Hot Coffee Coaching

Puppy Love and the Value of "Easy"

2012-01-25T10:15:00.000-08:00

I got a puppy.
An 11-week old lab mix
to bring into my hi-rise home and integrate
into my 40+ hours/week coaching practice.
I’ll wait while you divide yourself into
those who value “easy”
and those who value “possibility”.
There have been times
when I felt a little guilty
that my life was too easy.
Don’t get me wrong,
there are also times when I think,
WTF—even Job got a break in the end.
This is not one of those times.
Apparently, I like a challenge.
(You know what would make this more fun?
Quit my high-paying job!
You know what would make this more fun?
Get remarried!
You know what would make this more fun?
Start a business!)
I have been right to choose challenge over easy
at least most of the time.
Easy is great for things like
parking spaces,
driver’s license renewal
and on time flights.
But for living a full life,
easy isn’t the value I’m looking to honor.
Sometimes, you have to add a little crazy
to remind yourself that you’re alive.
And, as I’m told on a fairly regular basis,
“Crazy ain’t easy, Honey.”
True.
And crazy is where I want to be.

Squeezing The Stick

2011-12-26T08:11:00.001-08:00

In addition to my “regular” clients,
I coach coaches in certification.
A sometimes difficult concept
for new coaches to get
is the distinction between
making it happen
and letting it happen.
When I first became a Vistage Chair
I told my supervisor
that I was really more of the
“let it happen” kind of coach.
He didn’t like this very much
and misinterpreted to mean
I wasn’t into working very hard.
So not true.
Letting it happen is fanning the flame;
making it happen is throwing gasoline on it.
A colleague of mine, who has been spending
time in Canada, has a better metaphor.
You can’t be “squeezing the stick” he says.
A hockey term meaning you’re trying too hard.
Using this metaphor, I had my own epiphany.
While I have been letting it happen
professionally with great success,
I have been
squeezing the shit out of the stick
in my personal life.
For the better part of my adult life,
I have held relationships so tightly
for fear that,
if I loosen my grip,
the truth will emerge
and I will be forced to make a decision
I would rather not make.
Leaving me with a metaphorical black eye.

Adult, Heal Thyself

2011-11-18T10:39:00.001-08:00

You know these are curious times
when I title a post with
a play on a Bible quote:
"Physician, Heal Thyself"
(Luke 4:23, see also: Macbeth).
If you can get past that,
my work and life has been
largely focused of late
on people in the grip of
something seemingly larger
than themselves.
This offers the opportunity
to share a piece from a page
I once excitedly tore from a
book I read on an airplane
and now carry with me.
Lit, a memoir by Mary Karr,
describes Karr's journey
with alcoholism and the salvation
she found in her conversion
to catholicism.
(Dammit! There's that religion
thing again)
In the book, Karr's therapist
tells her:
"You've got to nurture yourself
through those instants, he says,
recognize the source of the misery
as out of kilter with the stimulus.
Realize you're not lost. You're an adult...
perfectly capable of getting yourself home."
I like to think of "home" here in the
metaphorical sense.
A homecoming, if you will.
It is completely and naturally within us
to be the sole creator of our own lives
and, as such, fully capable of stepping into
the magnificent expression of who we are meant to be.

Where There's A Will....

2011-10-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

I’m a stickler for clean language
in my coaching.
Don’t say “need” when you mean “want”;
don’t say “have to” when you mean “choose to”.
Words have power.
Too often clients come to coaching asking for how-to help:
tell me how to fill-in-the-blank.
Sadly, it doesn’t work that way.
Even if I worked that way, it wouldn’t work for you.
That’s because the expression isn’t
where there’s a way, there’s a will
for a reason.
Knowing how doesn’t get you any closer to why.
Is there anyone who doesn’t know how to
lose 10 lbs?
end a relationship?
change careers?
What we really mean is:
for the love of god,
help me connect with that
innermost part of me that knows what I want—not need,
but want—and make that want big enough
to overcome life’s distractions.
Because there will always be distractions.
Anyone can help you find the way to change your life,
(yes—there’s an app for that!)
only you can find the will.
Use your feeling words to connect to your why
and you’ll be on your way to finding your will.

Simon Sinek does a great Ted Talk
on The Power of Why. Check it out here.

Quick: What Do You Like on Your Pizza?

2011-08-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

My daughter knows this story well—
even if I’ve forgotten the particulars.
A research project asked young girls
what they wanted on their pizzas.
The girls enthusiastically named
their favorite pizza toppings.
The next year, the researchers asked again.
The girls answered the question with a question:
What do you like?
The next year, the same girls answered:
I don’t care, whatever you want.
Confidence.
Compromise.
Acquiescence.
It’s a slippery slope.
I worked for a woman who
facilitated a weekly staff meeting
in which she fired off random questions
at unsuspecting employees.
Current events. Office procedure. Business etiquette.
You didn’t have to have the right answer,
but you sure as hell had to have an answer.
Bother to have an opinion.
I appreciate the exercise
more now than I did then.
Acquiescing doesn’t make you easier to
get along with,
it makes you dull.
It’s a way to check out and let others do the much harder
work of healthy compromise via effective communication.
What if I really don’t care what I have on
my pizza?
Then offer a preference
and be willing to negotiate from there.
Because today it’s pizza
but tomorrow something much greater
will be at stake.

What's Your Role In This?

2011-07-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

There’s a good chance you already
know this about me:
I spend a lot of time in
coffee shops.
If you ask my kids,
they’re tell you I spend a
lot of time in coffee shops
Eavesdropping and gawking.
(gawking, mom, you’re gawking again)
I can’t help it; I’m curious.
What I mostly overhear
is highly emotional re-telling of
someone-done-me-wrong stories.
You know the kind, one person is
glassy-eyed & uh-huhing
while the other is
shouting and spitting some variation on
Then he said, then I go,
Then he goes, then I go,
Then, he goes…
I know this because I do it myself.
My clients bring me versions of this,
as well.
The only difference is, in coaching,
I cut short the story.
Often with the sobering question
I have come to love:
“What’s your role in this?”
Taking ownership over your part of any
conflict can be difficult,
especially when that victim place is so comfortable
and, for some, so familiar.
Owning your part of the self-deception,
the lie you’re telling yourself, is the
cornerstone of the work of
The Arbinger Institute
(arbinger.com).
Good stuff if you suspect you’re
holding on tight to your own
someone-done-me-wrong story.

On Getting Dull

2011-07-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

Once again, my former business partner
and good friend, Jay Farrell,
tuned me in to a better version of myself.
We were catching up over beer
when—three times—in one conversation
I said “What?” in response to his reference
to a current event.
What happened to you,” Jay said,
“You used to know everything.”
While that second part is a gross overstatement,
at one time, I was the one who knew
what was happening in the world
outside the agency.
Truth is, I had already noticed
myself getting dull.
One too many
references to my clients’
lives, rather than my own.
“I have a client who just got back from Thailand.”
“My client loves Girl & The Goat.”
I work a lot and, for me,
working too much is
when I’ve stopped having my own experiences
and started merchandising
the experiences of others.
This could be the grown up version of
living your life through your kids.
Notice the next time you ask someone
what’s new and he/she responds with
detailed explanations of their
kids’ activities.
Uh-huh, now tell me about you…
As for me, I registered for a class,
booked a trip and started listening
more rigorously to NPR.

If It's Not A "Hell, Yes!", It's A "Hell, No"

2011-06-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

I may have written about this before,
but I am reminded of a foolproof method
for making critical decisions in your life.
It’s the “Hell, Yes!” rule.
As my friend Kristine says when it comes to dating,
If he’s not a “Hell, Yes!”,
well then he’s a “Hell, No.”
She was right about that,
so I’ve taken to using the “Hell, Yes” method
with every major decision in my life.
I’m planning a move and looking at real estate.
It’s a daunting process that I narrowed down to
a truly stunning property across town.
Do you love it, my friend and financial planner,
Heather Locus, asked.
“Yes...I mean...I think so,” I said weakly,
revealing volumes to myself and to Heather.
That place may have been a “yes”,
but it wasn’t a “Hell, Yes!”
Where do the “Hell, Yeses!”
show up in your life?
Parenting? Hell, yes!
Coaching? Hell, yes!
Friends, lovers and other strangers
who guarantee good times, good conversation
and appreciation & acknowledgement for
who you are?
Hell, Yes! Hell, Yes! Hell, Yes!
And, please, don’t save the Hell, Yes! Method
for special occasions;
it’s good for everyday use, too.
French Fries: yes
Onion rings: Hell, Yes!

Waiting For A Better Offer

2011-06-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

Making a decision can be tough.
Especially when you are deciding
between the known and the
unknown-but-potentially-better-
but-maybe-not-better-
just-different-with-its-own-set-
of-problems-that-may-be-just-as-bad-
or-GOD-FORBID-even-worse-
than-what-I’m-dealing-with-now.
A conundrum, for sure.
I am reminded of my many clients
who come to me desperate
to make a change in their lives...
then argue with me in favor of
the status quo.
(Hey, you called me—I’m not attached to
you leaving your job,
your business partner,
your husband,
your city—
that was your idea)
That’s why most decisions are made
when the pain of non-decision outweighs
the risk of the actions and difficult conversations
required to make the decision.
Until then, holding out for a better offer
(ie job, partner, husband, city, TV show,
dog, weekend plans….)
can paralyze the decision making process
all together.
It’s unlikely the better offer is something
you will stumble upon.
Even less likely it’s something
that will find you
if only you wait long enough.
The better offer—
the one you may have to
walk through fire to attain—
is the one that you create.
From there, it has the potential to
get even better
if you use your
super decision-making powers
to enroll others in it with you.

You Know What You Should Do?

2011-05-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

I make my living not telling people what to do.
As much as I would sometimes like it to be,
coaching is not about providing solutions.
There are good reasons for this.
One, and I use this quite often,
I couldn't possibly know the right answer
to what you should do with
your business,
your marriage,
your kid
or your hair style.
That doesn't mean I don't have opinions.
(Oh, do I have opinions...)
But opinions are only that.
I am not you.
And that's probably a good thing.
The other---and this is really the important one--
it's just not effective.
When I'm on the other side of
an unsolicited
"you know what you should do..."
I completely shut down.
I don't think I am alone in this.
Unsolicited advice--
even the clever Jeopardy-style
response posed as a question--
Makes me bristle and
puts me on the defense.
There's a reason they call it
"getting defensive".
Rare is the man, woman or even child
who needs or wants someone to tell
him or her what to do.
But just in case, you can always ask:
would you like my opinion?
And, confidentially speaking,
No. I don't mean you.

Own The Room

2011-04-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Years ago when I was in marketing,
I led the creative for a significant client pitch.
With me on the team was a high level
strategy guy we brought in from New York.
Ted Parrack.
Ted defies convention in just about every way.
He doesn’t look like an “ad guy” --
by Don Draper standards or today’s standards.
He’s more Harvard meets Hell’s Angels.
When we arrived at the client’s office,
Ted asked if we could
get into the conference room early.
While the rest of us were shuffling in,
Ted got busy with the patience and precision of
Harvey Keitel’s character “The Wolf” in Pulp Fiction.
You know the scene where he cleans the car
after John Travolta offs Marvin in the back seat.
Silent. Focused. Meticulous.
Ted erased white boards.
Placed random papers,
coffee creamers and extra napkins
in the garbage can.
Moved the garbage can out of sight.
Unplugged, wrapped and tucked
all the telephone-related paraphernalia
into the credenza.
Wiped the aforementioned credenza with a napkin.
Put napkin in pocket.
Adjusted blinds.
Took his seat.
All without a single word.
Then, Ted snapped open his laptop,
looked at me and said,
“Julie, always own the room.”

"I don't know, Linus, I'm just not happy."

2011-03-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

To be fair, I stole this line from someone special
who stole it from everyone’s favorite mildly depressed
comic strip character, Charlie Brown.
In my work, I hear these words a lot
(except my clients don’t call me Linus.
Regrettably, I’m more the Lucy type.
Hold on to your footballs).
There’s an expectation that our work
should make us happy.
Truth is, when purpose is missing,
happy is hard to come by.
This week I completed with a client
who left the successful business she co-founded
and opened up her heart
to the possibility of doing something truly great.
In that heart space she found her purpose.
After I said good bye to Rose,
I said hello to a new client who is
successful in his job, but just not happy.
He wants a mission instead of a career.
Purpose. Mission. Fulfillment. Happiness.
As corny as it may sound,
I believe there is a spiritual awakening
taking place.
I get to see it every day.
People choosing to live
purposeful, fulfilling, happy lives
by articulating their true purpose
and tapping into their unique gifts
to fulfill that purpose.
And, that is something that
will make Snoopy do that Snoopy dance.

DO talk to strangers! (sorry, mom)

2011-02-17T15:01:00.000-08:00

It turns out mother was wrong:
it’s good to talk to strangers.
Last year I was at a book signing
in Toronto and spent the better
part of the evenings talking to
a total stranger about life, love
and EFT tapping therapy
(fascinating!)
In the Las Vegas Marathon,
I ran with a young man
who has intuitive powers that
allow him to see visions of
past life events.
(cool and creepy!)
I’ve met dozens of interesting people
at Peet’s coffee shop.
Most recently, a physical therapist
so passionate about his work
that I left completely recharged
about mine
(surprisingly restorative!)
My kids spent their formative years
in a downtown hi-rise.
They can talk to anyone.
Doormen and elevator buildings
are great for sharpening
those chat-it-up skills
crucial to business & social success.
(They’re called “elevator speeches”
for a reason)
One of my clients found himself in
a Starbucks line
behind Deepak Chopra!
He introduced himself with:
“people are always asking
for your help. I’m curious:
what can I do to help you?”
The result has been an unexpected
mutually beneficial relationship.
Who knows where it will lead?
Talking to strangers: very good.
Asking how you can help: even better.

Battle Hymn of the Tigger Mom (that’s T-i-double-guh-err)

2011-01-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

I am following with much interest
the brouhaha over the recently published
and highly sound-bitable parenting book,
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom
by Harvard Law Professor, Amy Chou.
Nothing matters more to me than parenting.
Unlike Chou, my single parent method was
more Tigger (amuse & confuse) than Tiger.
I did make sure I completely lost my shit
from time to time during key playdates
with my children & their friends.
That way, word got back that,
although I was widely believed to be
the “fun mom”, things could take a
Dark. Turn. At. Any. Moment.
I had to outwit them—
they were Chicago Public School kids.
My marshmallow suburban upbringing
was no match for their street smarts.
My strategy was to keep them guessing.
At an all-school ice skating party,
my third grade son tried on the F-word for the first time.
I yanked him off the ice, tossed him
in the car and took him straight to…
Starbucks for hot chocolate.
He was so confused he didn’t swear
again until high school.
Truth is it was cold and
that F-bomb was my ticket out of there.

Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

2011-01-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

A significant part of my coaching practice
is working with clients to discover what’s next.
Some clients know what they want
and my role is to champion them through
the steps to get there.
Others don’t know what they want
until we uncover and name it.
Both require sometimes difficult,
sometimes exhilarating work be done.
I find myself in much the same place.
Wanting to—needing to--know what’s next.
My own coach challenges me to stay in
what’s now rather than look for what’s next.
A useful perspective shift.
There is definitely value in staying
and in creating the space for what’s next.
But not quite right for where I am right now.
I love what I have now.
And I want more.
It’s like waiting in a waiting room.
The room is lovely
and the magazines are interesting and plentiful.
But I’m restless to know how long I’ll be here.
A place to look if you suspect
you may be languishing in a waiting room
of your own creation
is to notice how you respond to:
“what’s new?”
Do you answer with updates on your children,
your spouse, friends?
Are you waiting...
or are you creating your own real life?

Buddy, Can You Spare Some Quality Time

2010-12-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

Effective communication is
very important to me.
I believe, as author Susan Scott says,
Conversations are the relationship.
And, we’re always in relationship.
First with ourselves and then with others.
To help facilitate that understanding,
I distributed 20+ copies of
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
this holiday season.
It’s not my favorite relationship book,
mainly because Chapman’s
continual reference to
“keeping your love tanks full”
sounds queer
and because I find his
Christian finger-wagging at
the dangers of trying to satisfy
love irresponsibly (read: via sex)
unnecessary to this otherwise
straightforward communication model.
Chapman believes we each prefer & respond best to
one of five primary love languages:
Words of affirmation
Gifts
Acts of service
Quality time
Physical touch
in not just romantic relationships, all relationships.
It turns out, doing unto others
is not the way to go.
Unless, you happen to share
the same love language.
Better to figure out what
those with whom you share a relationship prefer
and get onboard with that.
Or, you can do like my client did.
Call me and say
“just tell me what to do.”
It's my pleasure to provide that
act of service
in exchange for some quality time.

What Gets Ritualized Gets Remembered

2010-12-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Each year, I do a completion ritual with my clients.
It’s a ritual I first practiced with my own coach.
She got it from another coach.
Now, I share with my clients,
many of whom are coaches;
many of whom share it with their clients.
Do you see where this is going?
You don’t even have to be in a coaching relationship
to practice it.
(Yes, as noted in a previous post, you can coach yourself!)
It goes loosely likes this:
Make three lists.
On the first, list your
successes, accomplishments, celebrations & joys for the year.
On the second, list your
disappointments, failures, rejections & losses for the year.
On the third, list your discoveries & learnings.
Lessons you would like to take into the new year.
It’s not important to capture everything,
just the things you find most meaningful.
When complete, review lists one and two.
Celebrate. Meditate. Contemplate.
And destroy.
Keep your learnings for the new year.
Congratulate yourself on a year of
good & bad
successes & failures
wins & losses.
You can’t change the past,
but you can start right now to make sure next year’s lists
are exactly what you want them to be.

A Thanksgiving Query: Is It Possible To Be Satisfied And Hungry?

2010-11-24T11:12:00.000-08:00

It’s my tradition to make calls
on Thanksgiving to the
people in my life for
whom I am truly thankful.
Old friends.
New relationships.
Loyal clients.
This year,
I don’t intend to make
those calls.
No special reason
other than I find myself
less inclined to reach out
and more inclined to lean in.
This year, I am thankful
for cozy.
My word for the intimacy
that is created when
you clear out all the insecurity
and worry and anxiety
that isn’t feeding you
and likely isn’t even real or true.
What’s left in its place
is cozy.
In this space
relationships deepen,
friendships grow with you
and chance meetings
become surprisingly lovely.
Pure joy found in conversations
over shared food & drinks.
Countless cups of coffee.
Tired jokes that still make you laugh.
Perfect words spoken at just the right time.
(fill in your version of cozy here)
It’s that puffy-comforter connection
that satisfies and, at the same time,
makes me hungry for more.
This Thanksgiving,
I am setting an intention
for creating more cozy in my life.
Staying hungry for more time
with people who bring me joy
and less time settling with
people who don’t feed me.

Moving or Moving On?

2010-11-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

I’m experiencing a lot of movement
in the universe.
Work. Life. Love.
Work takes new forms.
Life takes new turns.
Love finds new partners.
It makes me wonder
if you
(and by “you” I, of course, mean “me”)
are moving
or moving on?
If you’re just moving,
without doing the real work
of moving on,
You’re inviting—no, guaranteeing—
your bags will arrive
if not with you,
on the very. very. next. train.
Even heavier than before.
Those who successfully move on
give themselves the
gift of self reflection.
They take the time and do the work
to get out of the blame place and
own the responsibility for where they are
and where they want to move to.
In work, life and love.
In the best scenarios, the move comes
with a healthy and appropriate level of
grieving and space that allows for
that bittersweet emotion
of gently holding what was
in its proper place.
Thus, the high school reunion.
Drinks with former co-workers.
A phone call to or from an ex.
It’s an acknowledgment of what was,
without making the other
person, place or thing wrong.
With the keen awareness that,
while not wrong,
clearly no longer quite right.

It's All Marketing, Baby.

2010-10-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with a client recently
about dating.
Newly divorced, his approach is
if it happens, it happens.
In marketing we call this
an in-bound effort.
If the phone rings,
we answer it.
As you can image,
this approach to dating
is about as effective
as it is in marketing.
Somewhere between
not very and not at all.
It made me think of
areas in my own life
where I am accepting
what comes to me rather than
creating the outcome I desire.
How much time do we spend
waiting to respond
when we could be creating?
There’s a great book title
(maybe a great book too.
I haven’t read it, but I frequently quote the title):
Hope is Not a Strategy.
Hoping for
your job
your relationship
your life
to change,
and fantasizing about your response
when it does,
isn’t likely to make it so.
Creating, on the other hand,
absolutely will move us forward.
That’s what I love about coaching.
A good coach won’t let you stay
in that passive place of
in-bound only marketing
of yourself & your life.
And, that’s what I love about marketing.
It’s a great metaphor for
just about everything.

What Are You Pretending Not To Know?

2010-09-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

The art of coaching,
like the art of conversation,
is in asking the questions.
Coaching doesn’t pretend to know the answers.
I couldn’t possibly know what’s right
for my clients or their lives.
Instead, a coaching relationship stands
with the courage to ask
the seemingly simple,
but oh-so-clarifying questions.
The ones that sometimes feel
like a sucker punch to the gut.
Whoomp.
With love.
And that’s exactly the point and the purpose.
To get you out of your head
and into your heart and soul
where your real truth often lies.
Not THE truth, but your truth.
Your truth is all that really matters.
What are you pretending not to know?
What is this really about?
If not now, when?
It’s from this deep place of knowing--
in-the-bones knowing--
that fully alive happens.
People literally snap awake
from life long numbing slumber.
Head space clears.
Birds sing.
While our over-developed, over-praised
heads are dizzy from trying to figure it out,
our hearts and souls are
too often waiting quietly
for you to notice and claim
the answer you already know to be true.
What are you pretending not to know?
What is this really about?
If not now, when?

Meditation is What You Make of It

2010-09-08T19:01:00.000-07:00

I’m not much for meditation.
I’m envious of those who meditate--
like I am envious of those who
benefit from organized
religion, therapy and proper hydration.
My mind is too busy.
I thought yoga was my meditation
until someone pointed out that
what I am really doing is
stretching
because, while my body does yoga,
my mind does something
much more like a
mental decathlon,
alternating between clock watching
and powerful fantasizing.
At the same time, I notice that
meditation is what you make of it.
I’ve walked my dog every day,
several times a day, for more than a decade.
Silently,
methodically,
religiously,
tracing smaller and smaller paths
around first one neighborhood,
then another
until one of us disappeared into that
higher state of consciousness.
Without her, I literally have to walk myself.
For me, that takes the form of “going for coffee”.
My own shorthand for
centering & grounding myself.
Like meditation, its both restorative
and celebratory.
Coffee is my “go to” in good times & in bad.
There is meditation in any ritual,
I think.
A comfort in doing the familiar
that lets the mind disengage from the motion
and allows the body to find its still.

As Easy As Changing Your Mind

2010-08-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

There’s the good kind of change.
The kind you plan in advance,
figure out the details
and mentally prepare for how great it’s going to be….
Then there’s that other kind of change.
The kind that just happens.
When you least expect it.
The curve ball.
The zig when you thought you were zagging.
The dead stop. When you thought you were all about go.
That trick with the rug.
But change, even unplanned change,
Maybe even especially unplanned change,
can be exhilarating.
And bring all kinds of unexpected
experiences right to your new found front door.
If only you can rally your
perspective in that new direction.
Easier said than done. True.
But when you get there,
to that new-perspective-place,
all kinds of givens come up for review.
And all kinds of things
just might be there already
waiting for you
a half a turn away.
Warm nights. Expansive views.
Frosty beer. Fireworks.
Planning and figuring and preparing will sometimes,
often in fact,
get you from point A to point B.
But, planning and figuring and preparing
will rarely—if ever—find you pleasantly
surprised at points beyond your immediate imagination.
That’s where change, delicious curve ball-y change,
comes in.

Who are your 3:00 a.m.s?

2010-07-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

Some 20 years ago,
I heard a speaker talk about
“the 3:00 a.m.s in your life”.
The relationships you can call on
at three in morning.
At the time, I couldn’t imagine
who that would be
or under what circumstances
I would make that call.
I’m the capable one. Always.
Then, my husband had a seizure in the bathtub
and went unconscious.
Not at 3:00 a.m., at around 11 p.m.,
while our two kids slept in the next room.
I called my friend Joe and he said,
I’m on my way.
This week, I’m tumbling through a series of
far, far from-life-threatening,
yet still emotionally challenging
events related to my move.
My kids, as always, are great.
Tessa is my “handler”,
organizing all the details and me.
She and Patrick put us up & put up with us.
Ben drew on his self-taught survival skills,
bucking up without a shower or a place to stay.
As a family, we look out for each other.
Friends, too, if you’re lucky.
On Monday, I called my friend Dean.
Before I even explained,
he heard the emotion in my voice
and said,
“Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”
And, he did.

Surprise me!

2010-07-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

My daughter dislikes surprises.
I know this because when my kids
were about six and seven
I surprised them with tickets to the
Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards
complete with backstage passes to the
celebrity after party.
We had already planned a vacation
to Seattle.
When we got to the airport,
I steered them to the next gate
explaining we had to make a stop
in LA first because I had
TICKETS TO THE NICKELODEON
KIDS CHOICE AWARDS!!
Tessa burst into tears.
Ben looked from his sister to me,
back to his sister.
Then, joined in her uncontrollable hysteria.
No surprises for Tessa
(a preference she has carried into adulthood).
Ben’s neutral on the whole surprise thing,
but don’t upset his sister.
I love surprises.
They restore my faith
in possibility and remind me
the universe sometimes, lots of times,
delivers on the positive outcome
I’m anticipating anyway.
An unexpected text, email or call.
An out-of-the-blue client opportunity.
Comcast picks up on the first ring.
A surprisingly good conversation.
Or, a night that stays with you for days.
Each surprise breathes possibility into the next.
Each outcome has the opportunity to
over deliver on already heady expectations
of what’s next.

By Invitation Only

2010-06-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago
I decided to sell my house.
In preparation, I purged.
A process I truly love.
So that October,
between work and other commitments,
I touched everything I own.
Every photo, every book,
every piece of clothing,
every pot, every pan.
Then—and this is the important part—
purposely, intentionally invited
only the things I truly love
back into my life.
Oh sure, there’s still a
picnic cooler I’m neutral on
and some tools I’m unattached to,
but for the most part
every thing I own is something I love.
Or was…until nearly two years
went by, the market went south
and things started creeping back into my house
and into my life.
So now, I’m revisiting the process
of creating space and being intentional.
It’s a great practice for all areas of life.
Look around at the work that you do
and the company you keep.
Purge. Create space. Be intentional.
Keep only the relationships that thrill you;
engage only in the conversations that feed you;
pursue only the work that inspires you.
You may find, as I have, that you need
much less than you think
to have much more than you ever thought possible.

Your Chance For A Do-Over

2010-05-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month, I saw the Mylie Cyrus movie,
The Last Song, with my friend Grace.
It was marginally entertaining, shamelessly clichéd
and should have been completely forgettable.
And would have been, if it weren’t for my noticing
that I was strongly identifying with
Mylie’s character throughout the movie.
(I didn’t identify at all with the age- and intellect-appropriate
Kelly Preston mom character)
I saw myself as that tough-and-too-often-
misunderstood 15-year-old girl,
taking on the world,
in love, at last, with the right boy.
It felt familiar and thrilling.
Last month, I saw Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind,
a popular Chicago theater experience
that performs 30 plays in 60 minutes.
The show’s creator, now in his 40s, has been performing
in Too Much Light for more than 20 years.
In one of the more poignant two-minute plays,
he talks about what it feels like to be treated differently
because he looks old on the outside,
but has all the dreams and desires
of his 20-year-old self on the inside.
It’s all still in there—
regardless of the body you carry it in.
The 15-year-old girl.
The 20-year-old boy.
And your chance for a do-over.

Dream A Little Dream

2010-05-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

I had a lazy afternoon conversation
about making life plans.
Intuitively, having a plan
sounds better than not having a plan.
We make plans.
What are your plans for…
the weekend,
the summer,
retirement?
Too much of a plan sounds rigid and limiting.
Too little, risky and irresponsible.
If the choice is plan or no plan,
I’m pro-plan.
The caution, I think, is being a slave to a plan
that doesn’t make room
for the delicious possibility of life
to change your course.
You’re offered a dream job
You discover a new passion.
You (accidentally) fall in love.
Dreams, if we have them at all,
tend to be of the practical kind.
A promotion.
A vacation.
A smaller pair of jeans.
It seems that unless we know
exactly how we’re going to get there
it doesn’t make the list.
If all you have is a plan
then all you’ll achieve is
your to-do list.
Shouldn’t life be bigger than that?
Plans are great;
dreams are better.
Dreams take patience and
the unwavering belief in possibility.
It’s okay if you don’t know the how of it
or even the when of it.
Plans are in your head;
dreams, in your heart.

Now is the Time to Celebrate

2010-04-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

When my daughter was in kindergarten
I got her a gig as a hand model
for the back of a Kellogg’s cereal box.
She worked her shot at fame for
four show & tells:
The layout!
The Polaroid!
The press proof!
And, finally—the pièce de résistance—
the cereal box!
Each week, her class celebrated
with no less enthusiasm then
the previous week,
banging heads to get a closer look,
as Tessa revealed
first her own hand,
then—look!—the identical hand on the box!
As adults, we don’t celebrate
big enough or often enough.
I keep a file on my desktop titled
“YAY ME!”
It’s a collection of emails I have received
from clients and colleagues
acknowledging me for who I am and what I do.
It’s good to read and even better
when I can share their words
with someone who cares for me.
Acknowledgement & celebration.
Jobs won, clients landed, goals met.
The completion of a spectacular piece of original work.
All deserve celebration in whatever form that takes.
You get to decide.
And, if you can share it with someone
who holds you & your accomplishments
with the same unselfish wonder & appreciation
of that kindergarten class,
even better.

What's The Truth Got To Do With It?

2010-04-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school
My two best friends and I
did a modern dance routine
to “Hey, Big Spender”.
Our dance club sponsor,
aka gym teacher and
former Playboy bunny,
gave us the idea and the moves.
We made our own trampy costumes.
I guess from the perspective of
a former Playboy bunny
high school girls gyrating on stage
dressed like hookers
seems like reasonable entertainment.
As recently as last year, my dad said:
“Remember when you dressed like
a prostitute for that school show?
What the hell was that?”
Different perspective.
When my kids were in grade school,
a mom walked out of a
production of Grease.
What’s her problem, I thought.
What kid hasn’t seen Grease?
Apparently the ones whose parents think it’s inappropriate
for them to see 12 year olds
singing about getting knocked up in high school.
Different perspective.
Exploring perspectives is at
the core of balance coaching.
Balance helps you shift
out of the absoluteness of truth
into the fluidity of perspective.
We’re always in a perspective,
even if it feels like “the truth”.
There’s what happened
and what we make up about it.

Exclusive to the Timberlakes: icksnay on the oldcay eetfay

It's Not About You (Unless It Is)

2010-03-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

In a now famous
Colbrese family story,
my daughter and I
are moving my son and
all his worldly goods
into his first dorm room.
Three flights up.
In August.
Overcome with heat and emotion,
(mostly emotion)
I burst into tears and start wailing:
“I’m hot! I’m hot! I can’t do this! I’m dying!”
To which, my daughter grabs me by both shoulders,
and says:
“It’s hot. We’re all hot.
Hot is not something that’s happening just to you.”
A useful reminder:
It’s not about me.
(unless it is)
Today, when a client, a friend, a man
doesn’t call, doesn’t show, doesn’t respond
exactly as I would have liked
with exactly the words, tone and pre-agreed upon
description of my awesomeness,
it’s not necessarily a personal affront to me.
(unless it is)
I’m coming to learn
there’s a remarkably good chance
that the other person’s words and/or behavior
have nothing to do with me.
(unless it does)
I’m reminded of Ellsworth Toohey’s desperate plea to
Howard Roark:
“Why don't you tell me what you think of me in any words you wish.”
And Howard’s infamous reply:
“But I don't think of you.”
It’s not about you, Ellsworth.
(unless it is).

Honesty Does Not Equal Full Disclosure

2010-03-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

Do these jeans make my ass look fat?
No really. Be honest.
In my coaching and in my life
people sometimes,
and by sometimes I mean often,
confuse honesty with full disclosure.
Honesty: good.
Full Disclosure: almost never good.
I’m actually having trouble thinking of an example
where full disclosure is appropriate.
With your doctor?
Your attorney?
Spiritual adviser?
Sharing STD info with a new partner?
Even then, I’m thinking timing is everything.
And you might want to spare the details.
Better to answer a direct question with a clarifying question:
“Why do you ask?”
“That’s a very personal question. I’m curious why you’re interested?”
S-l-o-w the conversation way down
and give yourself time to decide:
full disclosure or
will honesty do the trick?
While we’re on the subject,
every time some one describes himself
or, way more often, herself as
“brutally honest”, I flinch.
Wouldn’t just “honest” get the job done.
Maybe with even better results?
So, really.
Do these jeans make my ass look fat?
Honest: You know, I like the other pair on you better.
Full Disclosure: Yes and I’ve thought that every time you’ve worn them.
Brutally Honest: (insert truck backing up noise here).
You decide.

Making Each Other Look Good

2010-03-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

I facilitate branding & marketing
strategy sessions.
I’m pride myself in getting
creative ideas out of any group:
jewelry makers,
schoolteachers,
haunted house owners
(don’t ask).
With some groups, it’s work.
Recently, it was anything but.
I facilitated a group of
improv-trained actors.
Big difference.
What I noticed is
they are uniquely trained in
and committed to
making each other look good.
The room was electric with each idea
building off the previous one
and a constant stream of acknowledgment for
a good line,
a good thought,
a good direction.
No one was in love with his/her
own idea.
Not one Eeyore in the group whining
“that’ll never work” or “we tried that before.”
Just making each other look good.
I have some rock & roll friends,
Phil & Ninette,
who made a commitment some 10 years ago
that whenever one of them leaves the room,
the other says something nice about that person.
It creates a fairly regular banter of
“Man, she’s beautiful”
“Am I lucky, or what?”
“Doesn’t he blow you away?”
It’s purposeful affirmation
that gets witnessed
again and again.
I’m intrigued by
what we could create
if we all committed to
making each other look good.

The Best Kept Secret

2010-03-06T13:47:00.000-08:00

My son turned 21 last month
making me officially
done with parenting.
Oh sure, there’s
still college to pay for
and I get to weigh in on things
like spring break, apartment leases
and wisdom teeth.
But, for the most part,
I’ve successfully completed
the most fulfilling & joyful
job of my life.
Not just once, but twice.
(parenting my daughter,
wrapped up a year ago).
In both cases,
I’m extremely pleased
with the results.
My success as a parent
puts my marketing career
to shame
and makes my coaching
look amateurish.
I’m a really, really good mom.
Here’s my secret: single parenting.
Except for a couple weeks ago
when my son had an
emergency appendectomy
and my daughter and I,
each in a different state,
agreed that a dad would be useful
now & then,
I have generally not minded
going it alone as a parent.
No one to question my decisions;
no one to be the “fun” parent to
my (sorta) strict style.
We just bumped along
like a lopsided family
and rolled our eyes every time
a restaurant hostess said:
“table for four?”
(do you see four people here?)
as if dad were eternally parking the car.

What Restores Me

2010-02-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

Every year,
for years and years,
about this time
I get itchy to book a trip
to stay with my friend, Chris, in LA.
It’s my version of a
sanitarium
minus the social stigma
and with much
better food.
And wine!
The timing is less about the calendar
and more about a feeling.
Restless, out-of-sorts or,
as we say in my family,
“the world is too much with her”.
I make decisions all day long.
For myself and, too often seemingly,
for everyone around me.
With Chris, I don’t have to make decisions.
Just writing that restores me.
Not making decisions
is like being on vacation.
That can come in the form of
a week with Chris or,
closer to home,
in the form of someone
ordering for me in a restaurant.
Anything.
Really.
I mean it.
You cannot possibly make
a bad food decision on my behalf.
Also, in no particular order:
Strong coffee; good wine.
Short runs; long showers.
Good, connected conversation—
all too rare and therefore
all the more special--
restores me.
Over coffee, of course.
And, especially,
late night phone calls
where the day is discussed
across the miles
long into the dark of night.

one hundred percent one hundred percent

2010-01-31T16:36:00.000-08:00

I often refer to the learnings from
CTI’s Co-Active Leadership Program.
Partly because they’re so brilliant
and partly because they’re
so present with me more than
two years later.
Today, I am reminded of an exercise that
demonstrates what it’s like to be
fully met.
One hundred percent one hundred percent.
Standing face-to-face with a partner,
high up in the trees,
with only each other for stability,
you clasp hands, lock eyes and
shimmy sideways on parallel wires
that get increasingly further away
from each other
until you are completely horizontal.
You have no choice but to lean in
one hundred percent one hundred percent.
Or, fall.
It’s an extremely emotional experience
as terror turns to trust and trust turns to love.
Particularly for those of us who rarely feel
this met on the ground.
One hundred percent one hundred percent.
Afterwards, I wrote in my journal:
“Why would I settle for less?”
What I love about this exercise,
besides that it’s such a great, in-the-body
metaphor for what actually happens in
relationships that matter,
is that leaning in too much is as
damaging as leaning in too little.
You let yourself fall in love up there.
Or, you fall.

Look at me! Look at me!

2010-01-23T09:42:00.000-08:00

I received some great coaching last week from
Karen Kimsey-House,
Co-Founder of The Coaches Training Institute.
(Coaching doesn’t get any better than this!)
We were talking about a colleague who
I find extremely difficult to be around.
Obviously, this is my work to do because
he keeps showing up in my life.
I sit next to an empty seat, that seat is his.
We are randomly put into pairs; I’m his partner.
I get it.
But, why is this my work to do and not his?
Karen helped me see this person
with compassion
and build a relationship
from a common stake.
It’s not easy, but it’s possible.
Because I can.
Because I am enough and can
give it away.
With further examination
(and coaching)
I see myself reflected in him.
His overt need for acknowledgement
triggers my “I don’t matter” reflex
in an icky way.
The two types you might not
be inclined to acknowledge are
those that really
need it,
beg for it,
perform for it
and those who look like
they don’t need it at all.
Underneath, we’re the same.
Notice me.
Remind me that I matter.
Because,
even standing in my full confidence,
I sometimes forget.

Giving Up Control

2010-01-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

In my work with my own coach,
I frequently find myself saying
“I just want to know…”
The topic can be anything:
--is this where I’m supposed to be living?
--is this the work I should be doing?
--am I in the right relationship?
I just want to know.
Even without my coach’s pointing,
I notice in my desire to control,
I actually give away my power.
My location, my work, my relationships
are all up to me—
I get to decide.
I get to create and discover and uncover
the knowing as I go along.
This comes up frequently with my clients, as well.
“If I just knew (fill in the blank)
I could get okay with it.”
What’s so great about knowing?
I ask my clients.
Well, then I could start planning.
So plan as if it’s so.
But, that’s not what I really want.
The truth revealed.
Too often we spend our energy
getting okay instead of
getting into action to create something
bigger, better, BOLD.
The work to do just might be to give up control of needing to know
in favor of taking control of being present
to what you want to create from here.

Starting Today...

2009-12-28T05:56:00.000-08:00

“Experts” say that New Year’s resolutions
just don’t work
and that, by making them,
you’re setting yourself up for failure.
It’s true, some ridiculously high percentage of resolutions
are abandoned by February…
or before.
Thank you, experts, for knowing me better than I know myself.
This is precisely why I advocate
jump starting those resolutions this week.
Today even.
Then, by Monday—because who would start a life change on a Friday?—
you will have a serious week of compliance already in effect.
Last year, I made a
“30 days of yoga” commitment,
that I successfully completed
and then some.
I could lift cars by the end of that
30 days.
It helps if your resolutions have a
beginning, an end and some clear
measurement of success.
I also invite that your resolutions
are not from the Lental school of deprivation.
Rather than deny yourself something
and foster all that negative juju,
why not add something wonderful to your life?
Introduce more TV time, open swearing
or permission to buy every magazine with
the stars of Twilight on the cover?
It’s your year, you should be able to
use it in a way that doesn’t just serve you,
but celebrates you.

My Best Christmas Ever

2009-12-16T04:44:00.000-08:00

I got married in 1982,
days after the completion of
my husband’s first treatment
for Hodgkin’s disease.
We moved to Arizona that
summer where,
by Christmas,
he was back in the hospital.
I was 23
in our apartment
boohooing to Jim on the phone
in his hospital bed
about spending Christmas alone.
Come and get me, he said.
And, I did.
Very Bonnie & Clyde like,
in the Mazda station wagon
he won in a poker game
the night before our wedding.
It sounds selfish on my part,
but it taught me the distinction
between taking care of
and being cared for.
I did a lot of necessary care taking.
Jim’s act of rebellion
was an act of love
and caring for.
We went from the hospital to
the movie theater
and saw two movies back-to-back,
Once Upon a Time in America
and another I can’t remember,
but wish I could.
We had dinner at a
Jewish deli,
the only thing open on
Christmas in Arizona in 1982.
I dropped Jim back at the hospital
and he continued his treatment.
It’s a story my kids love to hear
about their dad,
the gambler, the rule-breaker,
and my best Christmas ever.

In The Gratitude of the Season

2009-12-02T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am acknowledging gratitude late this year.
I think it’s a good thing if I’m too busy
living in gratitude to have time
to write about gratitude.
Over the Thanksgiving weekend,
I texted
“I’m insanely happy.”
And, I was/am.
I don’t think I’ve ever made that declaration.
But, that’s what happens when you have people
in your life who make you better.
Not by anything they do,
but by everything they be.
Best of all, you know who you are.
Because I am grateful, not just once a year,
but always.
Just having you in my life makes me better.
And takes me to the “whelmed” of overwhelmed.
So, I made calls this year, as I always do,
to friends, relatives, clients and colleagues who
fill me.
I didn’t get to everyone by phone,
but I got to everyone in my own way.
Some people who were in my life last year,
aren’t in my life this year.
And I’m reminded of the John Irving quote:
“The hardest thing to accept
about the passage of time
is that the people who mattered most to us
are all wrapped up in parenthesis.”
Bittersweet parenthesis that create the
space for new relationships.

Have a (Not Un) Happy Day!

2009-11-23T02:59:00.000-08:00

I have noticed something about many men I know
in my work and in my life.
Not unhappy is the new happy.
Somewhere, somehow, men have decided that
not being unhappy is where they set the bar.
In their marriage, in their career, in life.
Not bad is good enough.
Men who get through each day
keeping the peace; avoiding conflict.
Good men, good fathers
who deserve to be wildly happy, full and met,
instead, are men who somehow
learned,
were taught
or decided
their happy doesn’t matter.
So, they do everything their families ask
and don’t ask for anything for themselves.
Sometimes stealing little bits of happiness
when no one’s looking
and pretending it’s enough.
It makes me sad
and it makes my heart hurt in a way I can’t explain.
And it makes me fearful for what we might
be creating in our sons.
What is needed, I think,
is to have the courage to show—not tell, show--our sons
they matter.
And the way to do that, Dad,
is to show them you matter.
Not when they’re out of the house, now.
Do your own hard—and sometimes painful—work
to find your happy.
Whatever happy might look like.

Whatever You're Doing, It's Probably Not a Good Idea

2009-11-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

While running along the lake front this afternoon,
I caught a snippet of pre-school dialogue from over the playground fence:
“Whatever you’re doing, it’s probably not a good idea.”
This said, with all the emotion of Eeyore, from the mouth
of a tiny little boy to his equally tiny friend.
I glanced over my shoulder to get a look at the
joy-sucking parents who undoubtedly planted this premature
angst in their child.
Playgrounds can be scary.
And marshmallows.
And driving.
And going out after dark.
And moving to new places and meeting new people
and trying new things and taking any risk of the
physical, mental or, even the more profoundly scary,
emotional kind.
Risky. Risky. Risky.
In my coaching, I sometimes point my clients to the space between
risky and reckless.
Risky: good;
reckless: probably not a good idea.
Trouble is, it’s not always so easy to tell the difference.
And, once found, it’s not always so easy to stay balanced there.
As I continue on the path, I assess my own life
against the rhythm of my run.
“Whatever I’m doing, it’s probably not a good idea”
These words actually resonate with me.
And, I’m risking it anyway.

This is Why You Don't Kill Yourself

2009-11-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

Over the summer
I read the Twilight book series.
I held off as long as I could
having little interest in vampires,
science fiction
or even popular fiction
most of the time.
Then, while deeply committed
to the second or third book,
I had two distinct thoughts:
One, I’d date a vampire.
(please ignore this thought for the purposes of this post)
And two,
this why you don’t kill yourself.
Like everyone,
I’ve had some good years and bad years.
Okay. Decades. Of each.
And, what strikes me
again and again
is the magnificence,
pure pleasure and joy
that can bubble up when you least expect it.
Like reading the Twilight series from start to finish.
Or, the conversations and relationships that form
sitting at Matthew’s table
until morning turns into evening
and coffee turns into beer.
And, back again.
Or, yesterday running along the lakefront
on a breathtakingly beautiful fall morning
and stopping for coffee after.
For this, and many, many other reasons,
you train yourself to
notice and feel.
Notice the way the light plays in
stunningly beautiful photographs.
And, feel what you’re feeling
even if you weren’t expecting it and don’t understand it.
Let it in.

Fight or Flight

2009-10-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

I have developed a seriously strong “flight” response.
In my early days, as an emotionally unpredictably creative director,
I was much more about the fight.
Loud and wildly unprofessional verbal hallway sparing.
Oh, how I loved the fight!
Back then.
It predictably produced unpredictable results
and, at the time, I believe earned me
a bit of a reputation for being “difficult”.
I’m much less difficult these days.
Only occasionally
snapping back with a saucy
or, if I’m really on my game,
withering response.
I recognize it instantly now.
And, most often, instantly regret it as well.
The result is I’m less volatile.
And, maybe more effective.
But, a girl’s gotta have an out.
So, when it’s fight or flight,
I now go into mental
fat storing,
rapid heart beating,
shallow breathing
flight mode.
Under my breath,
I spit things like
“Done. Done. Done.
I’m so done with this.
I’m so over this.
I’m so outta here.”
I rarely actually engage my flight response.
Coaching and leadership training
has taught me
the power and value of
Staying.
Staying in the conversation.
Staying in the relationship.
Staying long enough in the discomfort of the moment
in service of finding the common stake.

Lost in Transition

2009-10-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been invited to speak at several events
designed primarily for individuals
“in transition”.
I know this because, as I introduce myself,
names are followed with I’m…
“in transition”.
This last delivered with varying degrees of
embarrassment, frustration, finality.
“In transition.”
It lands so heavy between us
I can barely find the strength to lift the conversation.
“In transition.”
The new euphemism for “unemployed”.
I get it.
I just don’t like it.
It leaves me with all the responsibility of probing for something
Interesting, memorable or engaging.
By contrast,
I just returned from a
Worldwide Leadership Conference in New York.
No one was
“In transition”.
Everyone was traveling, writing, volunteering, creating, discovering.
Was everyone financially supporting themselves on the
subject of their introduction?
Not hardly.
To a person, everyone was, however, passionately engaged in projects and programs and dreams that made me want to engage more, learn more, lean in more.
So, my open invitation to you…
Whatever your
“day job” is or isn’t,
find some way
to spend some time
doing something
that moves you to passion when you speak of it.
Then, share that something with
everyone you meet.
You’ll be interesting and we’ll be interested.

If I title this blog VISTAGE CHICAGO will more people follow me?

2009-09-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

I’m a little put off by all the attention social media is getting
I’m tired of the twitter heard ‘round the world that earned Hertz a loyal Avis customer
Or was it the other way around?
As tired as I was/am hearing Starbucks used as the only example of creating a customer experience.
Still, as my friend Matthew has pointed out on many occasions,
I enthusiastically embrace the very trends I mock.
He’s right, of course.
I twitter the trivial details of my coffee-drinking-coaching life
while rolling my eyes at others’ versions of the same.
As a businessperson, I have to say
social media seems to be good for the coaching business.
While Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, et all, claim to connect people,
all this connection seems to be creating
more isolation,
more talking at,
less listening to
and more opportunity to compare yourself —
not just to your immediate peers—but to your peers from grade school on up.
There’s no proof that “more” equals “more better”.
More FB friends doesn’t translate to more fulfillment
More choices don’t help us decide, it fosters indecision.
And, optimizing our searches doesn’t optimize
our life or work.
But, it can’t hurt either.

The End

2009-09-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

I love to finish things.
Vacations. Tubes of toothpaste. Conversations. Books.
Relationships, apparently.
I’m playing a game with myself now where I finish all the food in my house
before I let myself buy more.
If you know me, even a little, you will note that this may only take me until dinner.
I generally live like a frat boy (sorry, Ben) with half a grilled cheese sandwich in a takeout box, a jar of pickles and some fish oil that I keep meaning to take in my fridge.
I had to break my own rule and buy milk so I could finish the Nestlé’s Quik that has been in the cabinet for quite some time.
A counselor friend told my ex-husband and me that, because I like to finish things and he likes to do things, we would have compatibility issues.
It’s entirely possible she was right.
For me, the pleasure in the finishing.
I can anticipate like crazy, but when the doing comes, I ready for it to end.
As I’m writing this now, I realize that this is that same issue of staying present.
Present in the moment of conversation, book reading or toothpaste tube squeezing.
Stay.

One of Chicago's Original Marketing Men

2009-09-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

Bill Davidson hired me as a copywriter
on July 15, 1985
Later, Tom Baer told me Bill said
“She seems like a nice girl, but she won’t last.”
So, I stayed nearly 20 years to prove him wrong.
Bill Davidson died last week.
It was Bill, infinitely more than any business book or leadership course,
who taught me that you can
care passionately and fiercely about the work
and
care passionately and fiercely about the people you work with.
Bill was the first man to swear at me.
Not in front of me – at me.
A practice Jay Farrell took over with equal enthusiasm when he took over the agency.
Don’t worry, I gave it right back.
We yelled. We swore. We fought.
Then, we had a beer.
Or, in Bill’s case, a gin.
Bill created a safe place, a container, for creative conflict to happen
that we took seriously, but (almost) never personally.
For many of us who grew up at Davidson,
we have never felt more cared for or cared about then when we were under
the banner of Davisdon Marketing.
A lifetime of friendships; a legacy of leadership
In loving memory of my dear friend, Bill.

Just Tell Me How I Feel

2009-08-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wish I could hire someone to tell me how I feel.
Kind of like a personal weather report.
A quick call I could make in the morning and, again,
toward mid-day.
How am I feeling?
I have learned to check in with myself this way,
several times a day.
How am I feeling?
Feeling seems hard.
Thinking seems easy.
And safe. And,natural.
Think about that for a minute.
Really, it’s just the opposite.
Stop thinking for a minute, and feeling is what happens quite naturally
without thought, without effort.
Your feelings are what’s there all along.
Underneath the noise and the indecision and the doubt and the confusion of your thinking.
My clients think all day
and too often try to think their way through our coaching.
Not so fast, buddy!
Thinking will not get you what you want.
In work or life.
You cannot think your way through a significant change of any kind.
Sooner or later, your thinking self is going to ask your feeling self for its opinion.
Your feelings will have known the right answer all along.
All you have to do is quiet down & listen
so they can nudge you into action.

Creating A Structure

2009-08-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

My mother collects angels. Or, used to.
(Note: do not buy her angels. She has plenty.)
We have developed a sort of ritual of me calling her from the car as I’m driving from meeting to meeting.
She’ll ask who I’m seeing and I’ll tell her the name of the potential client or person I’m meeting to do business with.
She then prays/meditates/sources
the person’s name with a positive outcome for me.
Somewhere along the line, she added the extra karmic boost of writing the name or intention on a post-it note and slapping it
on an angel.
Kind of a “while you were out” reminder for the angel to get busy creating miracles on my behalf.
In coaching, we call this “creating a structure”.
A physical, tangible action or symbol that keeps you focused and on course toward your goal.
You may be familiar with the idea of snapping a rubber band around your wrist to break a pesky negative thought pattern.
I love the mental image of my mom’s living room covered with
post-it noted angels!
We closed two last week—a new client for me and a bonus client for a colleague—five so far this month.

One Hour At A Time

2009-08-01T17:06:00.001-07:00

I would like to limit my time investments to one-hour increments.
Not interesting after an hour?
I will politely excuse myself.
Do not take this personally.
I attend a lot of events, speakers, meetings, etc.
Most of them do not save the best for last.
Most of them could easily end a half hour earlier than they do.
Or more.
I stay because I’m afraid it will look bad if I leave early.
I stay because I think everyone else is getting value,
so what’s wrong with me?
Then, someone else gets up to leave.
I stare after him or her with longing.
Please take me with you…
Which I think is at least a slightly higher moral ground than looking disapprovingly while internally wishing I had made the move myself.
Much of the time, it’s my fault as well.
A meeting with no real agenda
tends to last longer than it should.
A lunch that could have been a coffee.
A coffee that could have been a 15-minute phone call.
One hour with travel is easily three hours
or five with traffic.
Taking time back will create the space
for possibility & what’s next
to appear in its place.

Facts and Assumptions

2009-07-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation recently with a potential coaching client, Mark.
Mark was six months into a new position at a new company that had never had that
position before.
He was working 70-hour weeks and
was exhausted, stressed and unhappy.
Think about that for a minute:
He was in a new position with a new company that had never had that position before.
I had to ask:
If you’ve never done this job before and your company has never has this position before,
how do you know it takes 70 hours a week to do?
He didn’t like my question and we didn’t end up coaching together.
The situation has stuck with me, though, because it seems too often we create our own problems.
One way is by collapsing facts and assumptions.
Mark’s co-workers assumed what they thought he should be doing in this new role and gave him project after project to complete.
Mark assumed if they asked, he had to deliver and added each project to his ever-expanding to-do list.
Before long, he was failing at his own work and the work the others gave him.
He was exhausted, stressed and unhappy.
And, that’s a fact.

When Content is Beside the Point

2009-07-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

I do a lot of work in professional/personal development.
Attend seminars, participate in workshops, take courses.
Part continuing education/part hobby.
I have a theory about these programs.
Regardless of the content, if you put people together in a room
and get them to feel something,
Everyone leaves having gotten his/her money’s worth.
We say we want to learn something,
But we really want to feel something.
Education is cheap; genuine emotion is much, much harder to come by.
Last weekend, I took a course with people just like me.
“A life coach. That’s interesting.”
Said the convicted felon and former enforcer for the Gangster Disciples.
“Tell me about being a life coach.”
When it was his turn to talk,
I was tremendously moved and inspired,
not by what he does, but by who he is.
A person who got complete with his past.
Owns it, but doesn’t let it define him.
Who, in the space created by that completion,
leveraged his greatest asset,
the integrity of his word,
and placed it powerfully between inmates and the legal system.
A place where trust and talk fit perfectly.
Education is cheap, sometimes talk is too.
And feeling will always carry the day.

I Need a Manifesto

2009-07-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

My good friend and former agency partner, Jay Farrell,
used to say (with clear exasperation in his voice)
We need a manifesto!
I never really knew what he meant
and so we never really had one.
Mission statements, vision statements, value propositions
statement of purpose, positioning, taglines.
Check. Check. Check.
Manifesto.
No.
And now, a decade or so later,
I find myself making the same self-plea
with nearly the same tone of exasperation
bordering on desperation
I need a manifesto.
A manifesto is a declaration of intention.
A stake so strong, so unwavering, that all your efforts,
every single thing you think, feel and do
in work and life
snaps to attention and falls in line to support it.
A manifesto.
A reason for being.
What gets you up in the morning?
What keeps you awake at night?
What are you doing? Why are you here?
A manifesto.
Believe in something.
Put a stake in your life and work
and claim it.
Clamor for it.
Desire for it from the very core of who you are.
A manifesto.
I’ll write mine; you write yours.
Declare it—if only to yourself.
Even better if you share it
with the universe.

Just Ask

2009-06-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

My work as a coach involves a lot of listening.
Much, much more listening than talking.
This is as it should be.
Listening is good.
The rest of my life, however, should be filled
with more balanced conversation.
Two-way conversation.
A delightful dance of conversation.
I ask you about your job; you ask about my job.
I ask about your family, your weekend plans,
who does your hair, which farmer’s market you frequent.
You respond in kind.
This is not necessarily the case.
Very often I find myself held hostage
by someone else’s interpretation of a conversation.
I tell you everything about me; I ask nothing about you.
My friend, Julia Gorelik (fulfillingfuture.com),
who is also a coach and,
I have to believe, a very good one,
offered this solution.
When you’ve heard enough, simply ask
“What would you like to know about me?”
or “What questions can I answer for you?”
Brilliant.
Even if “Nothing. I would like to keep talking,
thank you.”
is the honest to God answer,
I doubt I will hear that.
Instead, It’s a gentle pointing
that gets the conversation back on track
without making the other person wrong.
No harm. No foul.
No monologue.

Details, Details.

2009-06-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month I assisted at CTI’s Co-Active Leadership Program.
It’s a 10-month program with four, week-long, in-residence retreats in Northern California.
I completed the program a year ago in April and was invited back to assist.
It was for me, and continues to be, an amazing,
truly life-transforming program that I can’t highly recommend enough.
I volunteered for a lot of reasons:
to immerse myself in the program material again,
be a witness to others’ transformation and
continue my own leadership work,
specifically, practicing leading “from the back of the room”.
In my experience I learned:
It’s hard to be in the back of the room
when you really, really want to be in the front of the room.
After being the mom & the boss for 20 years or so,
the front of the room is actually the more comfortable place to be,
making this assisting thing a good stretch for me.
I also noticed that,
contrary to what my post-college resume touted,
I am no longer
“detail-oriented”.
The experience made me realize how cleverly
I have arranged my life and work to have precious few details to manage.
Showing up big can often carry the day.

Title Goes Here

2009-06-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

I keep an index card stuck in my calendar.
Yes. I keep a paper calendar.
Not still, as in I’ve never gone electronic,
But again, as in it’s my preference.
(Can you tell I’m a little sensitive about this?)
Anyway, I keep an index card stuck in my calendar.
On it is a list of the “titles” that are important to me now
Mom, Friend, Coach, Marathon Runner, Yoga Enthusiast.
I have other roles and other self-designated titles,
but these are the ones that are most important to me now.
I use the list as a sort of North Star to help determine
how I should be spending my time and money.
Taking a random pastry class: no.
Taking a random pastry class with a friend: yes.
Doing a Saturday morning practice run with a coach friend: jackpot!
The list helps keep me focused on the titles that really matter.
I use to have a lot of ego and self-worth wrapped up in being
a “creative”.
Creative Director, VP Creative, Chief Creative Officer.
In rearranging my life, I made this new list as a reminder
that the only titles that really matter are the ones I get to give myself.

"Begin Again"

2009-05-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve been running for about 10 years.
I’ve run four marathons.
Last year I ran two:
Chicago in October; Las Vegas in December.
Then. I stopped. Running. Completely.
From December to May: nothing.
No winter training. No Shamrock Shuffle, no 5Ks.
I didn’t even walk fast.
This year, I plan to run two marathons:
Kansas City and Dublin.
But first, I have to…begin again.
Tom Courry, of The Next Level leadership training,
teaches a new perspective on failure.
Failure isn’t the end, it’s the beginning of trying again.
Starting over.
In a simplistic exercise that had 20 adults trying to get a marble through a tube,
we learned the joy of failing and beginning again
and again and again.
It’s a slightly different take on one of my favorite coaching principles
of changing what’s true.
What’s true is I’m a runner.
What’s also true is I’m a runner taking a break.
A six-month break.
A break that doesn’t officially end until marathon training begins
in June.
Still, runners run.
So, I begin again.
Even slower than usual at first.
Three mile every couple of days or so,
On the lakefront and in all areas of my life,
I begin again.

Another Parenting Milestone

2009-05-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

My daughter graduates from college on Sunday.
I’m getting as many “congratulations” as she is.
I’ve raised my kids as a single mom
since their dad, my husband, died 17 years ago.
I felt this weight most profoundly
when I took Tessa to look at colleges.
Not even when we said good-bye that first night of freshman year were the emotions as full as during the college search.
I felt all the responsibility of watching our daughter make her first
important decision (mostly) on her own.
And, none of the joy of having her dad to share it with.
For me, it was too much for one parent to do well.
But, I did; we did.
A lopsided family of three.
I was overcome with sadness and emotion that day.
And then again, two years later
when I made the same trips with my son.
Important events that mark time.
Tessa asks more questions about her dad lately.
Mostly, for reasons neither of us know, on the car rides back and forth to school.
Cherished & hilarious conversations. Side-by-side. Looking forward.
I’ll miss those drives and, at the same time,
look forward to what’s next
for all of us.

Words Have Power

2009-05-03T15:37:00.001-07:00

By now, I think everyone knows the power of changing
“but” to “and”, as in
“I love you AND that Laz-y-Boy has to go.”
Put your “but” in there and it takes away all the ground
you’ve gained with the “I love you” part.
Words have power.
And the power to em-power you, if used purposefully.
Take a look at this one:
“I’m always late.”
Or, as Rick Carson’s Taming Your Gremlin suggests,
“Until now, my tendency has been to be late.”
The former is an absolute with no room for change.
The later leaves space for you to decide to do things differently.
Starting now.
I listen closely to my clients for any thought that begins
with “I just need to…”
Any time you “just need to” you can pretty well bet
you’re not going to.
It’s almost always coming from an external source.
Think about the last time someone gave you advise.
Did that advise start with “You just need to...”?
Now, if you change that need to a want…
Wants come from an internal source, are grounded in emotion
and much more likely to be acted upon.
Wants are empowering; needs are overpowering.
Enough said.

When "self-care" becomes "self-ish"

2009-04-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

There’s a new excuse in town;
it’s called “taking care of myself.”
I’ve noticed a measurable up tick in the number of times friends, colleagues, acquaintances have cancelled a previously scheduled commitment with a variation on the following theme:
“I’m going to stay home and give myself some much-needed TLC”
(and here’s the part that really gets me)
I know you’ll understand.”
It has become the excuse that can’t be argued with.
What kind of woman would I be if I weren’t in full support of my sister getting her me-time on?
And, I do support this. Really, I do.
I’ve been taking care of me since before it was cool.
I am the poster girl for me-time.
I’ll even trade you some me time for we time.
Women should take care of themselves.
But how about if we just work it into our daily life, without fuss, like using change.
No special accommodations needed.
And, while we’re at it, how about if we just say no when we mean no.
Not yes-with-a-mental-note-to-back-pedal-later.
I support self-care right up to the time you have already made a commitment to some one or something else.
Then, self-care is just self-ish.

Floating vs Fitting In

2009-04-16T06:10:00.000-07:00

I promised I wouldn’t blog about Facebook,
Even writing that makes me cringe.
Yet, I have to say, I’ve found lost high school friends on Facebook.
In talking with these friends, I noticed we all have feelings of
not fitting in.
This isn‘t surprising about high school—who fits in in high school?—
but we were talking about now.
In our own grown up lives.
I’ve always wondered what happened to my peer group.
It seems everyone else is deeply connected to packs of friends from
grad school, fraternity, family, book club, work,
while I feel like I’m floating.
I bounce around these circles, but I don’t feel tethered.
This bothered me until I was soul typed through an organization called
New Equations (www.newequations.com)
I’m a soul type 6.
Among other things, soul type 6s often feel like
“no one gets me”.
Exactly.
Finally, someone understands me.
But, not really.
It’s not like I hang out with my fellow 6s.
I think this feeling of disconnection comes from having too many choices,
too many ways to connect.
Nowhere is this more evident than on Facebook where you can join a group whose sole connection can be anything from mini marshmallows to God.

2009-04-09T14:06:00.001-07:00

In my coaching, I’ve noticed—no surprise here--we are very attached to our jobs and titles—even when we don’t have one.
At a workshop I offered recently, I asked participants to introduce themselves with their name and who/what they really are—at their core.
Not their job title, not their occupation, not their resume.
Some people got into it and came up with insightful responses:
I’m a tinkerer; I tinker with things and make them better.
I’m a connector; I bring people together.
For some people, this exercise was hard.
I’m a vice president.
Really? A vice president? That’s what you are—at your core?
I would accept that answer if it were conceptual, rather than literal.
I used to describe myself as a “great number two guy.”
I never wanted to be “the guy”, but excelled at partnering with the one who was.
Until a champion moment when my friend, Rob, told me that was bulls**t and I was hiding out in second place.
Ouch.
Rob also somewhat famously called me
“A grown up you can trust.”
I like that
and used it nearly a dozen times to get contract work when I sensed companies felt a gap in leadership.

Change Your Coffee; Change Your Perspective

2009-03-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

I am a serious social coffee drinker.
Until recently, my motto was
Starbucks: twice a day, every day since 1989.
Then, like so many things, I was done.
Done. Done. Done.
Not with coffee, but with Starbucks.
Even as they close stores and I’m not sure Instant Starbucks is a good idea,
I love the brand from a marketing perspective.
I just don’t love the coffee anymore.
My abrupt rejection of their coffee exactly coincides with their drop in revenue.
I don’t think I’m entirely to blame.
The smell of Starbucks actually makes me sick now.
About a year ago, I transferred my alliance to Noble Tree on Clark.
I spend a lot of time working there.
It draws a college crowd from DePaul and,
depending on the barista, features music that is actually painful to listen to.
So bad, that I sometimes have to leave.
Now, more often than not, I’m over at Peet’s on North Avenue.
Peet’s is more about classic music than ear-itation;
more New York Times than The Onion.
The coffee’s (slightly) better too, but that’s really less important.
I feel hipper at Noble Tree and smarter at Peet’s.
Lately, I find smart rich and satisfying.

Identity Confusion

2009-03-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I am suffering, not from identity theft, but from identity confusion.
I went to my bank last week to do some personal banking.
When my banker, Abe, asked me to sign something I noticed my social securitynumber was incorrect.
Two tedious—but not unpleasant (thanks, Abe!)--hours later
we determined that somehow
my son’s social security number got mixed up with mine.
All my banking, mortgage, credit reports, etc., seem to be in my name with my son’s social security number.
This is good news only because I am pretty sure I can stick him with the mortgage.
But then, he will probably also want the house.
No one knows how this happened or when,
only that I need to make many, many phone calls and provide many, many forms of identification and contact many, many financial institutions to get this straightened out.
My daughter declared that I have effectively stolen my own identity.
I like this.
“Take that, bad guys, beat you to it.”
Nothing criminal happened, I remind myself frequently throughout the process.
And, what an opportunity to get all my financial affairs in order while I methodically prove I am exactly who I have been all along.

Who Is Your Champion?

2009-03-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

When I left the agency I helped build and co-owned for nearly 20 years, I spent the next five chasing “what’s next.”
What finally set me on the right course (helped by my coach at the time, Rich Hill) was the realization that what was missing was a champion.
At the agency, I had Jay Farrell.
Jay was my champion long before I knew what that meant or could articulate what he had done—and continues to do—for my career
and my life.
It’s still hard for me to put into words.
I started asking people: who is your champion?
This led to emotional answers and interpretations that formed the foundation for a coaching/communication model I developed and present as a workshop.
In the workshop, I define the differences between champion, mentor, cheerleader & friend.
I hold the belief that by identifying these players, and knowing how and when to access each one, we will be heard and understood by precisely the people who can help us move forward in our lives and work.

My next workshop is March 28th at Flourish Studios in Chicago. I would love to see you there. For more information and to register: hotcoffeecoaching.com/workshops.

Saying What's So

2009-03-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

My coaching tends to roll in themes. This week’s theme fell under the heading of “transparency.”
In coaching, transparency or being transparent is about “saying what’s so.”
I use it a lot when I’m nervous or don’t know what to say.
Recently, I gave a presentation on Leadership to 30 executives.
As (way too) often is the case, I wished I were better prepared.
While the host read my introduction, my head swirled crazily around my lack of preparation.
When it was my turn to talk, I stood firmly and said,
“I’m wishing I were better prepared. But, I’m not. So, let’s just see what happens.”
The audience smiled and laughed and the presentation went exceedingly well from there.
There’s tremendous value in getting out what’s already in the room.
This week, client after client talked about not knowing what to say.
Or, expressed fear of saying the wrong thing
or making a mistake
or letting someone down.
Great, I say, why don’t you start there: say what’s so.
It’s like the horrible waitress who tells you it’s her first day.
Your perspective shifts from annoyance to compassion.
You’re on her side because she had the courage to be transparent.

Easy Does It Better

2009-02-22T06:45:00.000-08:00

I’ve been to the grocery store with my friend, Chris, easily 10 times this week.
I’m visiting him in LA.
We’ve known each other more than 15 years.
What’s remarkable about going to the grocery store so many times in a week is that each time he asked if I wanted to come along, I did.
Each time Chris dropped off or picked up his daughter at school, I went along too.
Not because these are particularly interesting or enjoyable activities, but because everything is more fun when you’re hanging out with someone you really love.
What I love about Chris is that we make each other laugh and we share serious and important thoughts, fears, ideas and plans about our lives with each other.
And we seem to spend an unusual amount of time together not talking at all.
It’s that easy.
And, we don’t fight over checks.
If someone says “I’ll get it”; the other says “thank you.”
It’s that easy.
We don’t talk or email all that often—maybe four or six times--throughout the year but, like any solid friendship, when we’re together, we pick up exactly where we left off.
It’s that easy and it’s that perfect.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

2009-02-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

Was the The Clash talking to me in their 1980s hit song?
Am I really quoting The Clash?
If you’ve been following this blog, you know I started voice lessons a month ago.
The idea was to do something that made me uncomfortable in service of personal growth
and, on a more basic level, to have fun.
I like to sing and wanted to get better at it.
In four lessons, I went from nervous anticipation to exhilaration to disappointment to ambivalence.
So, now what?
My leadership training keeps me staying through the rough spots.
My coaching teaches me the importance of not saying yes when I mean no.
So, do I stay or do I go?
I committed to two of my coaching groups to sing a song at the end of my 8-week training.
Do I have to keep that commitment regardless of whether or not I finish the course?
One thing I’ve learned through my own coaching is the value of getting quiet and listening to that voice that already knows the right answer.
The voice that says:
I’m done.
It has announced itself at the end of jobs, relationships, friendships.
Done. Done. Done.
Voice lessons: done.

Grace Thy Name Is Felicity

2009-02-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

It pains me to admit this, but I recently wrote an email about someone and accidentally sent it to that person.
You know what I’m talking about.
Nothing negative and nothing confidential.
My intentions were good.
A colleague asked if I knew anything about Felicity’s company.
I did.
Information indirectly gathered from a variety of ways our business paths are crossed.
In my effort to be telegraphic, I used some casual language that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise used.
Then, to quickly check spelling of Felicity’s name, I entered it above in the “cc” field, typed it in below and hit: send!
Later than day I received the following email…from Felicity.
“Did you mean to send this to me?”
Before my emotional “fight or flight” instincts could kick in, my coaching skills took over: ownership and transparency.
“Of course not. I responded, “My apologies.”
“No problem. We’ve all been there.” Felicity replied.
I waited a week, two weeks for any one of the several people we have in common to mention what an idiot I am.
Nothing.
Not only didn’t Felicity take offense, she didn’t take the opportunity to embarrass me further. That’s grace. And that’s Felicity…taking the high road.

The Integrity of Endings

2009-01-26T05:27:00.000-08:00

Relationships of all kinds end. Often badly. More often sadly.
Two of mine ended recently. One very recently.
Marianne Williamson’s interpretation of The Course in Miracles holds the belief that there is only one kind of love and that love can take many forms from friendship to romantic love to love for mankind, etc.
From that one place of pure love, we simply shift from one relationship form to another.
Easier said than done.
One of these two relationships shifted from friendship to romance to friendship (I’m leaving out several rounds over several years of not-so-clean shifts for space consideration!) to purposeful hurt to bad/sad ending.
Although it may be too early to tell, the other seemingly has all the makings of a love-based shift.
A mutual willingness to try on something different--even if it doesn’t fit right away.
Integrity around what is true for each of us
Respect for where we are and where we’ve been in our own lives and loves.
A genuine enjoyment of each other and, in spite of it all, a playful attraction.

Ask for 100% of what you want, 100% of the time and stay around long enough to negotiate the difference.

How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything

2009-01-19T05:43:00.000-08:00

Joe Ensign teaches Budokon Yoga at Equinox. Budokon is a combination of martial arts and more traditional yoga poses.
I don’t prefer Budokon, but I like Joe.
I like Joe because of the intensity and lightness he brings to yoga.
I like to think he’s that way with everything he does. And, because Joe says:
How you do anything is how you do everything.
This sentiment may be Yogi 101, but it was new to me.
It fits with the coaching I do. I rarely refer to myself as a “life coach”, yet what I practice is really “whole life” coaching, sometimes thinly disguised as Executive Coaching or Business Coaching. Meaning, whatever shows up, shows up.
It’s always the client’s agenda and it doesn’t really matter if we talk about work or life or love.
It’s all connected.
Part of my work is to help clients see that connection--which isn’t always all that evident when you’re living in the middle of it.
I’m always a little amused when people say:
“I’m a completely different person at work.”
Really?
I doubt it. And, if you are, what’s that about?
Think about it:
How you do anything is how you do everything.

30 Days of Yoga

2009-01-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

One of the principles of co-active coaching is called “Balance”. I always thought it should be called “perspectives.” In it, I learned to explore the perspective of “everything is true…until it’s not.”
I have been practicing yoga once a week for five years.
What’s true: I have NEVER been able to get yoga in my life more than that one day a week.
I have been absolutely religious about that one day—so religious, in fact, that Monday night yoga is held at my church…with my pastor on the next mat.
It’s doesn’t get much more religious than that.
But, still.
Once a week was all I could do.
And that was true. Until it wasn’t.
To change this truth, I made a commitment to myself to practice yoga every day for 30 days.
Instantly, it is no longer true that I practice yoga once a week.
What’s true: I practice yoga every single day.
I’m on about day 18 and counting…
To make sure it sticks, I asked someone to help me hold accountability around my commitment. That means, someone is standing by, checking in, ready to celebrate my success or mock my failure—either of which will be equally motivating.

Asking For What You Want

2009-01-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

On New Year’s Day, I was up earlier than most people, I think.
No matter what time I get to bed, I’m up around 6 a.m., walking my dog and waiting for The Noble Tree to open for coffee.
This morning, I was on the other side of town, at Peet’s.
On my way in, a Streetwise vendor wished me a Happy New Year and asked if I wanted to buy Streetwise.
No thanks, I said, without stopping or looking up.
“Well then,” he countered. “How about a large jasmine green tea with four Splendas and a blueberry scone?”
I stopped and laughed.
You got it.
His request was so specific and delivered with such what-do-I-have-to-lose confidence, that I was charmed.
I not only couldn’t say no—I wanted to say yes.
And, talk about an up-sell!
I’m told the late Laura Witworth, one of the founders of The Coaches Training Institute, taught the following: Ask for 100% of what you want, 100% of the time and (here’s the important part!) stay around long enough to negotiate the difference.
I’m resolving to ask for more of what I want, if not all the time, at least more of the time.

We Are Three

2008-12-25T15:24:00.000-08:00

Last week, I sent the following email to my children:
Subject: Mandatory Family Meeting
Message: Plan to be home Monday night. We’re putting up the goddamn Christmas tree. Together. As a family. I mean it.
We are three.
I sometimes feel we lack the critical mass to be a family.
But mostly it suits us.
We share a love of wit, sarcasm and verbal banter.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, there was a moment when my husband was seriously worried that we would somehow, inexplicably, end up with a humorless child.
What if we have children and they’re not funny?
I hesitated for just a second before responding.
How could that be possible?
It wasn’t and they are.
I’m reminded of that conversation tonight, admiring our marginally decorated and slightly off-center tree.
We drove to the tree lot, walked up to the first tree, looked at each other, and said:
I’m good with this one.
Yep. She’s a beaut.
Are we good? Good. Grab it and let’s get out of here.
We laughed over our particular brand of humor and later told stories that we knew each other would get.
We are three. And it suits us.

Make Yourself Uncomfortable, Part I

2008-12-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

In January, I start voice lessons. I’m really excited about the idea of the lessons. Yet, every time I think about the actual singing part. Out loud. In front of people. It gives me pause.
Rick Tamlyn (thebiggergame.com) calls this the “GULP!” stage.
That place between “idea” and “action” that makes you swallow hard.
I’m taking voice lessons because I love to sing recreationally, but I don’t know if I’m any good. I don’t know because in the seventh grade choir, after a particularly rousing version of some now forgotten Christmas song, Melanie Hannah said, loud enough for everyone to hear:
“Julie, you were so SHARP on that song, NO ONE could sing on key!”
I just want to know.
I want to know if I should be walking around saying, “Oh no, I don’t sing.”
Or, “Hey, let me get that National Anthem for you.”
Coaching has taught me to go for the discomfort. The conversation you don’t want to have is exactly the one to have; the idea that creates the “gulp” is probably the one with which to move forward.
So, thanks, Melanie, for setting in motion this particular state of discomfort a couple of decades ago.

2008-12-18T18:37:00.001-08:00

Creating Quiet

2008-12-13T05:39:00.000-08:00

I met Jamie Damato amid the typical “furry” of activity at her downtown office. Dogs swirled at our feet as she buzzed me in. Jamie took my hand and drew me toward her. With calm, connected eye contact and a steady voice, she said:
“There’s a big, white dog at your feet. Don’t look at him.”
She stood there holding my hand and holding my eyes for longer than is socially comfortable for a first business-type meeting or a meeting of any kind, for that matter. Yet, instead of feeling uncomfortable or scared (there was, after all, a big, white dog at my feet who apparently did not like to be looked at), I was calm and relaxed, like I had fallen into something really special.
This is a woman who knows how to get quiet
when quiet is what’s called for.
Jamie is the owner and creative genius behind Animalsense, a multi-functional brand that extends far beyond the dog training for which she is known. I liked her immediately and not just because I learned something important from her that day.
This is how she connects with dogs, I thought.
And, guess what? It works with people too.

Why I Run

2008-12-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

There’s a popular column in the back of Runner's World that has famous people answering “why I run”.
I’m not famous and no one asked, but here’s one reason why I run.
On Sunday, I ran the Las Vegas marathon.
From miles 12 to 22 or 23 or so, I ran with a youngish man, originally from Guatemala, now living in LA.
We fell into pace and started talking as we ran.
This was his 20th marathon; my fourth.
He ran track in high school—not very well, he said--but enough to kick start his interest in running. At mile 14, we talked about his love of cooking and he detailed a recipe for lasagna he memorized working in the kitchen of an Italian restaurant. At mile 16, we talked about his girlfriend and whether or not they should move in together. At mile 17, he told me had “visions” since he was a young boy. At mile 20, he told me how his father was murdered three years ago on Thanksgiving.
I can think of no other place in life or work that intimacy happens so quickly and so easily as on the path of a really long run.

The Gift of Girlfriends

2008-12-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

Last year I attended a year-long Co-Active Leadership program offered through The Coaches Training Institute (CTI). The opportunity had come up more than once and it wasn’t until my own coach, Helen House, said about the program:
“Every one of your relationships will change”
Sign me up.
The Co-Active Leadership program truly was—as corny as it sounds—a life changing experience.
One of the outcomes I was hoping for was deeper, richer relationships.
What I got was girlfriends.
Those really good girlfriends that everyone else seems to have had since third grade.
The kind that you can call 12 times in one day—or not for a month—and pick up right where you left off.
When I returned home from the first retreat, I was afraid the friendships wouldn’t stick. The next day, I talked to Kristine for about three hours.
For more than a year we’ve called and cried and laughed and emailed across four states and two countries.
We talked today and it pained me to have to get off the phone early to make an appointment.
The combined intelligence, emotional bandwidth, humor and beauty is awe-inspiring. Although, I seem to be the only one with any fashion sense.

Thanks & Gratitude

2008-11-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

I have a thing I do on Thanksgiving that I have done for at least 15 years. I call the people in my life who really matter to me. I call and thank them for being part of my life. Some of these people I have been calling for years, like Joe; others got a call for the first time, like Reed.
I noticed that I now know more coaches than anything else. Lots of calls and emails flying around these last few days. Connections that are full of gratitude, thanks and appreciation for having each other in our lives.
Coaches are especially good as expressing gratitude. I think this is because our work with our own coaches has us tuned in to what’s really important.
When I transitioned from marketing to coaching, I was afraid I would lose all my friends if we didn’t work together any more. And, I was afraid I wouldn’t make any new friends.
Silly on both counts.
My friends are still my friends. And now, I have a whole new group of friends who are mostly coaches.
This Thanksgiving and always, I am grateful for my family, colleagues, clients and friends, old and new.

claiming

2008-11-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

One of my very favorite coaching principles that I immediately incorporated into my own life is “claiming.” You’re seeing evidence of it right now. About a year ago, I saw an ad in CS magazine. CS, or Chicago Social, is a stunningly beautiful publication—so thick with upscale advertising—that it’s free! The ad was for BatesMeron Sweet Design. I so loved their ad, I went to their website. I so loved their website, I picked up the phone & asked for a meeting. At our first meeting, I so admired and adored co-owners, Rebecca Bates and Shachar Meron, that I “claimed” them. Silently. I claimed them, as part of my life & work—with no idea or agenda as to what form that would take.
Today, they are clients, colleagues & friends. My new website is brought to you by BatesMeron Sweet Design.
Try it for yourself in your own life and work. Ask for what you want. And it’s okay to want a lot. Look around. What is it that you want? What or whom do you want to claim? And, if you want to claim BatesMeron too, go for it! There’s plenty of their good work to go around.