Thank You For Asking

I used to think I-Love-You
were the three words I longed to hear.
Now it’s the seemingly less intimate
but far more engaging and validating
'How was your day?'
About a decade ago, I was half
of a long distance relationship.
It lacked a lot of things,
most notably proximity & sobriety.
What it did have was time.
Lots of phone time discussing the events of our day.
There is an intimacy that comes
with sharing the ordinary.
From the trivial: a bad latte,
that funny thing someone said.
To the triumphant:
a successful presentation! a new client!
Much of my best coaching perspective
has been culled from
some pretty low brow places.
(My favorite being “wash the dish”
from a Julia Roberts’
Good Housekeeping article)
In the enjoyable/forgettable movie,
Shall We Dance,
Susan Sarandon’s character captures
this thought as it applies to marriage.
“’Your life will not go unnoticed
because I will notice it.
Your life will not go un-witnessed
Because I will be your witness’.”
In any relationship,
the very least and the very best we can do
is to bother to notice the other.
And, a great place to start is to ask
‘how was your day.’

For the full movie quote: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0358135/quotes?qt=qt0321606

Puppy Love and the Value of "Easy"

I got a puppy.
An 11-week old lab mix
to bring into my hi-rise home and integrate
into my 40+ hours/week coaching practice.
I’ll wait while you divide yourself into
those who value “easy”
and those who value “possibility”.
There have been times
when I felt a little guilty
that my life was too easy.
Don’t get me wrong,
there are also times when I think,
WTF—even Job got a break in the end.
This is not one of those times.
Apparently, I like a challenge.
(You know what would make this more fun?
Quit my high-paying job!
You know what would make this more fun?
Get remarried!
You know what would make this more fun?
Start a business!)
I have been right to choose challenge over easy
at least most of the time.
Easy is great for things like
parking spaces,
driver’s license renewal
and on time flights.
But for living a full life,
easy isn’t the value I’m looking to honor.
Sometimes, you have to add a little crazy
to remind yourself that you’re alive.
And, as I’m told on a fairly regular basis,
“Crazy ain’t easy, Honey.”
True.
And crazy is where I want to be.

Squeezing The Stick

In addition to my “regular” clients,
I coach coaches in certification.
A sometimes difficult concept
for new coaches to get
is the distinction between
making it happen
and letting it happen.
When I first became a Vistage Chair
I told my supervisor
that I was really more of the
“let it happen” kind of coach.
He didn’t like this very much
and misinterpreted to mean
I wasn’t into working very hard.
So not true.
Letting it happen is fanning the flame;
making it happen is throwing gasoline on it.
A colleague of mine, who has been spending
time in Canada, has a better metaphor.
You can’t be “squeezing the stick” he says.
A hockey term meaning you’re trying too hard.
Using this metaphor, I had my own epiphany.
While I have been letting it happen
professionally with great success,
I have been
squeezing the shit out of the stick
in my personal life.
For the better part of my adult life,
I have held relationships so tightly
for fear that,
if I loosen my grip,
the truth will emerge
and I will be forced to make a decision
I would rather not make.
Leaving me with a metaphorical black eye.

Adult, Heal Thyself

You know these are curious times
when I title a post with
a play on a Bible quote:
"Physician, Heal Thyself"
(Luke 4:23, see also: Macbeth).
If you can get past that,
my work and life has been
largely focused of late
on people in the grip of
something seemingly larger
than themselves.
This offers the opportunity
to share a piece from a page
I once excitedly tore from a
book I read on an airplane
and now carry with me.
Lit, a memoir by Mary Karr,
describes Karr's journey
with alcoholism and the salvation
she found in her conversion
to catholicism.
(Dammit! There's that religion
thing again)
In the book, Karr's therapist
tells her:
"You've got to nurture yourself
through those instants, he says,
recognize the source of the misery
as out of kilter with the stimulus.
Realize you're not lost. You're an adult...
perfectly capable of getting yourself home."
I like to think of "home" here in the
metaphorical sense.
A homecoming, if you will.
It is completely and naturally within us
to be the sole creator of our own lives
and, as such, fully capable of stepping into
the magnificent expression of who we are meant to be.

Where There's A Will....

I’m a stickler for clean language
in my coaching.
Don’t say “need” when you mean “want”;
don’t say “have to” when you mean “choose to”.
Words have power.
Too often clients come to coaching asking for how-to help:
tell me how to fill-in-the-blank.
Sadly, it doesn’t work that way.
Even if I worked that way, it wouldn’t work for you.
That’s because the expression isn’t
where there’s a way, there’s a will
for a reason.
Knowing how doesn’t get you any closer to why.
Is there anyone who doesn’t know how to
lose 10 lbs?
end a relationship?
change careers?
What we really mean is:
for the love of god,
help me connect with that
innermost part of me that knows what I want—not need,
but want—and make that want big enough
to overcome life’s distractions.
Because there will always be distractions.
Anyone can help you find the way to change your life,
(yes—there’s an app for that!)
only you can find the will.
Use your feeling words to connect to your why
and you’ll be on your way to finding your will.

Simon Sinek does a great Ted Talk
on The Power of Why. Check it out here.

Quick: What Do You Like on Your Pizza?

My daughter knows this story well—
even if I’ve forgotten the particulars.
A research project asked young girls
what they wanted on their pizzas.
The girls enthusiastically named
their favorite pizza toppings.
The next year, the researchers asked again.
The girls answered the question with a question:
What do you like?
The next year, the same girls answered:
I don’t care, whatever you want.
Confidence.
Compromise.
Acquiescence.
It’s a slippery slope.
I worked for a woman who
facilitated a weekly staff meeting
in which she fired off random questions
at unsuspecting employees.
Current events. Office procedure. Business etiquette.
You didn’t have to have the right answer,
but you sure as hell had to have an answer.
Bother to have an opinion.
I appreciate the exercise
more now than I did then.
Acquiescing doesn’t make you easier to
get along with,
it makes you dull.
It’s a way to check out and let others do the much harder
work of healthy compromise via effective communication.
What if I really don’t care what I have on
my pizza?
Then offer a preference
and be willing to negotiate from there.
Because today it’s pizza
but tomorrow something much greater
will be at stake.

What's Your Role In This?

There’s a good chance you already
know this about me:
I spend a lot of time in
coffee shops.
If you ask my kids,
they’re tell you I spend a
lot of time in coffee shops
Eavesdropping and gawking.
(gawking, mom, you’re gawking again)
I can’t help it; I’m curious.
What I mostly overhear
is highly emotional re-telling of
someone-done-me-wrong stories.
You know the kind, one person is
glassy-eyed & uh-huhing
while the other is
shouting and spitting some variation on
Then he said, then I go,
Then he goes, then I go,
Then, he goes…
I know this because I do it myself.
My clients bring me versions of this,
as well.
The only difference is, in coaching,
I cut short the story.
Often with the sobering question
I have come to love:
“What’s your role in this?”
Taking ownership over your part of any
conflict can be difficult,
especially when that victim place is so comfortable
and, for some, so familiar.
Owning your part of the self-deception,
the lie you’re telling yourself, is the
cornerstone of the work of
The Arbinger Institute
(arbinger.com).
Good stuff if you suspect you’re
holding on tight to your own
someone-done-me-wrong story.